I had an entire post written about the journey that has been my faith. And it was really long. Marking each incident, the bad memories, reasons why I have decided to not practice organized religion. Except it didn't feel right. It felt like I was just writing to write or rather just stating things that have happened and justifying why its okay to be disconnected from my faith.
The truth is, I yearn for a better understanding of what it could look like knowing more about God. Although I am nowhere near being able to attend church every Sunday, I have decided to research and engulf myself in information about faith. For starters, I am going to read the Bible. I have always had a connection with my faith, but on a very subconscious level. And maybe that's ok. Maybe in the end I will find that is where I am comfortable. Maybe I will want to be involved in a church? Who knows where the future will lead? What I do know is that I am OPEN. I can receive now.
To know me is to know my past, so I will write about WHY I have closed myself to religion in the past. Some facts...I attended a private school as a child, Kindergarten to 2nd Grade. Was pulled out of the private school because I witnessed a vulgar incident at school. Next up... parents had a tumultuous relationship which ended in a divorce and a move from the Country to the City at the age of 10. Mother remarried, insert blended family. From the moment the blended family submerged I was always on guard. Shall we say a sixth sense. Second incident, to which my mother promptly packed up my brothers and I and headed out to a lifelong friend of her's for refuge. This refuge involved God. My mother's friend was a pastor's wife. We had grown up with this family, but they had moved away to head up another church. There were promises made and my mother went back to the City with us children, back to the blended family. To say I never felt safe for myself or my brothers is to put it mildly. A few years later we received word this same pastor, who we had grown up thinking was a decent man, turned out to be a child molester. I truly believe my first incident and subsequent testimony regarding that incident protected my brothers and I from any harm from this man.This pastor was right there with our family, holding my mother's hand...guiding her thru her life. Praying for me and our family. BUT the damage was done. The idea that religion was a safe place was gone, gone with this Pastor, gone with not feeling safe in your own home, gone.
Throughout the years I have had faith. I have had a relationship with God. On my own. But I want my children to understand this is because I was taught things that they will not be taught unless I as a parent make that effort. Its going to be baby steps, but at least its steps in the direction of a calling I have felt my whole life. I still to this day consult with my Bible School Teacher about life and the journey with God. How I adore that relationship and how it has sculpted who I am as a person and mother. Thank you God for this beloved relationship.
I hope this was received well and a little of my truth has been released from my consciousness. I have this courage to share because of others before me. Other bloggers. Its not easy to write about your truth and your life, but when you know it needs to happen, you share and you don't look back.